The Leanover.

That I'm almost a senior in college and yes, that is as terrifying as one would imagine. I remember my junior year of high school and my classmates agonizing over their senior year, their loss of friendships and the stress of college entrance exams. In the minutes before class, we used to clamor around each other, mapping out our future destinies. Except, well, I didn't necessarily clamor. I sat with the various groups, but I mostly listened and mostly sighed. After drill team practice, after hating my teammates once again, I would retreat to my journal and not know what to say. Am I supposed to feel at all sad that I won't be around these people any more? The only friendships that I cared about losing, I knew I would never lose. Junior year in college is a completely different story. I don't find myself making the transition from one institute of learning to another but rather, THIS IS IT. There is no going back. Well, there is, but, unlike some of my friends who can easily afford to jump headfirst into graduate school, I have financial responsibilities and, I don't know, LIFE to worry about. You really start to notice the differences in situations around junior year and it's a strange, obtuse feeling. An earlier example from this year: I lost my job, and there was this urgent sense of frustration from my friends, or understanding, or sympathy. But so many of them couldn't begin to touch on the emotions I felt, not ones of frustration, but anger, and resentment, and freight. I didn't spend my days just going to class. I work and intern and learn, all within the short capacity of 24 hours.

"I feel so lazy. You have all of these things going on," a friend once said to me.

Except, this is not something I'm doing by choice. It is a life requirement. I go to a long-suffering liberal arts college in the city. I am the very definition of middle class with trips to Wisconsin Dells and Wal-Mart part of my family routine. I can't afford to not do all of these things. I can't afford to simply go to class. I can't do it, I've never done it, and the fact that I have not been doing it, more or less for the past month has made me restless, and certainly not helped with time management. More importantly though, this is not for me to feel good, this is for my future, for my job hunting prospects. I can not truly call myself an independent, self-sufficient girl without living a self-sufficient life, and I know that, unlike my wealthier friends, I can't just jump right into grad school and avoid the inevitability of life and responsibilities and bills. Those things have always been a part of my life.

My mind is consumed with resumes and cover letters and networking and I HATE IT but it's what I have to do. I hate the fact that the "real world shuffle" has turned into the "collegiate shuffle" and the "high school shuffle".

Gotta work! Gotta get things done! Gotta make a name for myself! Gotta be successful! Gotta not let people down! Gotta show what I got! Gotta do what's right! Gotta get it, and get it good, and get it now!